Getting back to earning love.

I find time to myself so enlightening.

I've never admitted this to anyone, but I have an addiction problem.  I get addicted to people, or in clearer terms certain individuals I am romantically or lustfully involved with.  I don't know it at first because my brain fools me into thinking that its just some random "Joe" to get to know.  But as time passes, I open up my heart and the person who was just some guy becomes my source of "happiness."  And I couldn't wait to get my fix.

And so it becomes an on going cycle of heartaches and quick fixes.  I created this fucked up reward system that leads me far from where I really want to be.  Its the feeling of being worthless, powerless & out of control.  I didn't realize who I was, or who I was becoming.  Jealously would rear its ugly head and I would do nothing but tremor & let my heart beat uncontrollably.  Jealously is a funny phenomenon.  It's simply wanting what someone else has.  But to the wiser, it is a reminder of something beautiful we could attain if we were just in another situation.  If only I were wiser sooner and realized that if I let go, I could have a second chance to do things right.

So that's where I'm at, remembering that the healing process always begins with abstinence.  I'm slowing perfecting the way I love and how I define it.  It is true that we learn our greatest lesson from the most difficult obstacle we overcome. 

STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES and start looking within yourself.