Knight of Pentacles:
If you are doing things which others want you to do and you never do the thing that you always wanted to do, you are a slave. You go on loving a person you don’t love, you go on sleeping with a person you don’t love, you go on living in a relationship which is simply destructive, horrible, a hell, but you go on. You are a slave, you are not a free man...
-OSHO-
hug haiku
when two worlds collide
we past life as it goes by
merely standing still
Get to the root. Ask yourself why continually until you get to the root cause and you can no longer ask yourself why.
Has he/she done something to make them unworthy of your trust?
How much does that matter?
(I sometimes like to draw this all out)
I trust emotions, they are what you feel is real. Dismissing them will only lead you to a negative feedback loop. DEAL with it, ACT on it by telling the truth of how you feel. Otherwise, you unknowingly enter into a strange arrangement were you play detective & its a righteous game of who's being wronged. Its all bad. The truth is within yourself. The question you should be asking is:
Are you honestly ready to trust this person? No if's, and's or but's.
And if in reality he
or she is being truthful. What will it
matter if you don't believe him or her?
Feelings &
emotions get convoluted. Period. It
would be nice to hear the truth, get absolution, closure. But you're not always going to get it no
matter how you manipulate the situation.
Seconds, minutes, days, sleepless nights add up. You're only getting your heart broken by little minute fractures at a time.
When do you want to remove the blinders &
see what is really happening & what you do have control over?
Feel what you feel, whether that be mad, sad, used & abused. But get over it & don't dwell, love. Don't waste the pretty or handsome because you get uglier & uglier (inside/out), when you are unhappy.
And there's your soul-tion.
What has become of my dreams and passions?
I know I have it in me, so why am I not trying with as much vigor and tenacity as my younger days? I think, "just get through the tape, finish the race."
Really?
Is that how you feel when you are trying to achieve something you've worked so hard for?
How bad do I really want this career, this life?
I know I need to reassess my wants, needs, desires and re-visit why.
So my new mantra is simply...
Be your higher self
whatever that may be...
"I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made."
"Tell me the truth, Frank, remember that? We used to live by it. And you
know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however
long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank, they
just get better at lying."
As I was driving home, I heard this song on the radio. Immediately I was taken aback. Someway, somehow feelings surface whether I have control over them or not. Maybe its a reminder that its okay to feel and express because lately I've been feeling the opposite, recluse almost. I spent the whole afternoon re-reading old blogs from lifetimes past and I came to the conclusion that I seriously am re-learning lessons of pain that I quickly forget when times are good.
Never forget... or the universe will find some cosmic way of reminding you.
I find time to myself so enlightening.
I've never admitted this to anyone, but I have an addiction problem. I get addicted to people, or in clearer terms certain individuals I am romantically or lustfully involved with. I don't know it at first because my brain fools me into thinking that its just some random "Joe" to get to know. But as time passes, I open up my heart and the person who was just some guy becomes my source of "happiness." And I couldn't wait to get my fix.
And so it becomes an on going cycle of heartaches and quick fixes. I created this fucked up reward system that leads me far from where I really want to be. Its the feeling of being worthless, powerless & out of control. I didn't realize who I was, or who I was becoming. Jealously would rear its ugly head and I would do nothing but tremor & let my heart beat uncontrollably. Jealously is a funny phenomenon. It's simply wanting what someone else has. But to the wiser, it is a reminder of something beautiful we could attain if we were just in another situation. If only I were wiser sooner and realized that if I let go, I could have a second chance to do things right.
So that's where I'm at, remembering that the healing process always begins with abstinence. I'm slowing perfecting the way I love and how I define it. It is true that we learn our greatest lesson from the most difficult obstacle we overcome.
STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES and start looking within yourself.
